Seek and Destroy

Sharing these personal thoughts for a close friend:

Sometimes you look for things because you want to know the truth. But when you search for it, ask yourself what you’re going to do if you find the thing you know is happening, but can’t deal with. Is it better to leave it alone and pretend that everything is fine? Or is it better to know the truth and be hurt forever? Can you live with knowing the worst trait about something or someone you can’t live without? Once you find out the worst is true, what will you do with it? Will you ever be the same? Only time will tell if anything will ever be the same.

Deep down we all know that you will never be the same person you used to be before the hurt and pain. Trust is gone, hurt is there to stay.  You can move on but nothing will ever be the same. I’m not saying you won’t find happiness, but you have been shattered. Glass that has been shattered can never be repaired completely.  It can be glued back together, only to be seen as cracked. They may be well hidden cracks, but none the less, they are there to stay. 

I consider myself like a piece of Fine China that will never be as beautiful as I once was. This Fine China served him well, for many years. Saw him at the worst points of his life, Yet I shined for him unconditionally. I served him well even on the worst days. I am still Fine China, but not as valuable as I believed I was. The truth is I am actually irreplaceable.  I weathered the storm through and through. I did things that nobody else will ever do because we cannot go back in time. I can actually say that I was a blessing thrown upon the lap of someone. Someone that loved me, but took me for granted over and over again.

I was not always the beauty of life or the answer to a prayer, but I was good to him. I have loved him so hard that I could feel everything he did, felt, or wanted. I searched for what I believed was happening, because I felt it inside of my heart. I found it to be true, but now what? I am in my own worldly hell.  Every day is up and down, inside and out. Pain is shooting throughout my heart and soul like lightening. I am forever broken, hurt, torn, and violated.

So I caution you, Follow your instincts, but prepared for an avalanche of emotion. Get ready for the ride of your life that you will wish you had never been on. Ask yourself if the pain is going to be worth it, can you let go? The pain is not an option.  It is inevitable.  If you feel no pain, you don’t love the accused. But if you still love them, want them, or need them, pain will plant itself within you. For eternity you will remember the moment.  It may not hurt forever, but the memory will forever be etched into your mind and it will scar your heart. Be careful what you look for, you may just find it. It may change your life and your spirit forever and ever. Someone once said “seek and destroy”; it suits us well in all aspects of life, especially in love.

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What I’ve Learned about Marriage in 2013

2013 I hit 3 years of being married. Having been very public about my separation on social media, I can honestly say it’s been very therapeutic for me and inspirational for others. I am nothing special, I’m just a woman that wants to be loved and adored like any other. Love hit me like a ton of bricks, hard and unexpected. But like anything else, it can’t always be fun and games. I can’t even remember when and how things got to where they are now between my husband and I. All I know is both sides aren’t perfect and have made mistakes.
This year, as a married woman, I’ve learned that when you love someone it can feel like you’re invincible one second and like you’re losing your mind the next. We as people make bad choices sometimes and fail to realize that we are only cheating ourselves and scaring those we truly love.
We were all taught how to love differently growing up. All we can do is love our spouses the best we can, appreciate them for all that they are, be patient, forgive as much as we can, but continue to love ourselves too.
As individuals we all have our weaknesses and strengths; but together, we have to figure out how they all mesh well enough to make things work.
I grew up with parents that have been married over 40 years, they’ve been an amazing example of what to do and not do in a marriage, no matter how angry you are your spouse still comes first, and just because vows were broken doesn’t mean you have to throw your vows out the window. In marriage, every couple makes their own rules and handles things differently.
The both of us have inner demons and struggles we need to overcome, that doesn’t mean there isn’t any love between us. With the new year approaching I know what I have to do on my end of the marriage for my husband, the both of us, and especially for myself. Only a higher power knows the future so all I can do is work with what I have in the present and leave the past behind.

To others going through martial struggles: It doesn’t matter what differences your spouse and you have, how much therapy you go through, what advice is given to you, & what your mind tells you…you can’t help who your heart loves. Do what makes you happy, take things day by day, and if you feel it in your gut not to quit, then don’t.
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