A Must Read: What Oprah says about Men

I came across this piece written by Oprah Winfrey. Her words are pure common sense and luckily I was raised to not know otherwise. Unfortunately, not all women were as blessed and put up with things they shouldn’t and don’t know their worth. Maybe after reading this piece if will give them a better outlook and they will have the strength to do what is best for them, their children, & their future.

oprahBy Oprah:

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending… Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE
individuals. Look for someone complimentary…
not supplementary.

Dating is fun… Even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes… When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says… You should know that: You’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he’s not the only one. They’re all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts… ❤

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April M. Monterrosa is the Owner of  The Lil Spa Room , PCA Skin Certified, a Nuskin Skin Care Distributor, Founder of  Wonderfully Wise Women, & a Writer for SAXtreme Magazine. Just a simple &  Proud Latina from San Antonio, Texas, a Marine Corps wife, Mama of a Dachshund, & a licensed Cosmetologist of 17+ years, blogging about things I love most…Beauty, Love, Life, Spa, Wine, and everything else in between! Check out my Beauty Blog at: lilsparoom.com

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The Holiday Hookup

I was in the dating scene a long time so I picked up a few tricks of my own and this was one of them…the holiday hookup. Now that the holidays are over, I’m hearing about lots of breakouts from friends that are in the dating scene and it reminded me of a guy I dated once. If you were dating someone exclusively and now that the holidays are over and so are they, it may be because they simply don’t want to be committed. Been there, done that. You’re dating someone before the holidays and it’s going ok, not like you want, there are still signs that who you’re dating is not as committed as you are…but you hang in there because you’re really into the person you’re seeing, maybe you’re even in love with them. Besides, who wants to go through a breakup during the holidays anyway, right?

The holidays are here.. everyone is joyous, merry, and you’re relationship has taken a higher level. You and your sweetheart have grown closer to each other, are spending more time together, and you’re now gonna meet the family. All the signs they showed you of not being committed  100% to the relationship prior to the holiday season has now just been deleted off your mind. You’re head over heels, this it is, he’s finally coming around, things are perfect…everything between the two of you were complete bliss from Thanksgiving to New year’s day.

We are now two weeks into the new year and your sweetie one day just doesn’t call…No text messages…and does not even reply to yours. The wheels in your mind started turning and turning…they’re at turbo speed bringing back all the doubts and memories of how unstable things were before the holidays. Finally, your long lost love decides to contact you, now you could either be mad at them for blowing you off or sad because you’re hurt…or both…depends on your personality and how you handle things. Either way, I guarantee, the reason for their disappearance is gonna be the same.

“I think we need time apart”, “it’s not you, it’s me”, “I need space”, “I don’t know what I want” are probably the most used phrases holiday hookups use to get out of being in the relationship. People change during the holiday season, some want to take someone to their family’s house or just not be alone. There are even those that are lame and just wanna receive Christmas gifts! Either way it’s unfair to you if you’re giving your all to make this work. When the holidays are over and they really don’t wanna be in a relationship, out comes the bullshit.

These are signs and red flags of someone that wants you and the loving relationship, but still be able to keep their options open like a single person. If you’re dating someone, make sure they’re consistent, make sure they are the holiday honey year round. After all you deserve someone that puts in everything you do to make a relationship work. And no one wants a ho ho ho! 🙂

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Romance Red Flags

Remember the movie, “He’s just not into you”? Well single ladies looking for love could actually learn a thing or two from it. Before being married, I dated quite a bit! Here are some of the red flags that kept me moving on to meeting new people and not wasting time with someone that wasn’t into me.

If he says to you “I only want to be with you”, pay attention. The question that should come to mind is, ‘Well, who else? Who else would you want to be with? Why am I the only one?’ What does that even mean?

He says, “I want you to have my baby”, Trust me, that very often is said in the passion of the moment and he means it in the moment but it’s not going to be the way he feels the next day. A real man would not say these words to you just to make sure he hits home base.

He’s NOT affectionate and/or if you’re kissing and he’s kissing you back but you find his eyes are open and he’s looking around, you should know that’s a sign to consider.

He makes AND breaks promises. If he’s always promising you, “We’re going to go out”, “I promise I’m going to call/text”, ‘We’re going to meet my family”, blah blah blah…but it doesn’t happen, there’s a reason he’s not keeping the promises. That’s a huge red flag!

He always talks about the future, but the future never comes. It’s about what’s going to happen, what’s always ahead…but you’re left dealing with what DIDN’T happen. Bottom line: If you find you’re waiting for something more to happen between the two of you and the only thing that seems to be happening is that you’re having great sex, he may be faking the LOVING PART. Men will sometimes tell you what you want to hear to keep you around for the sex.

Good luck ladies!

About April M. Monterrosa 

 April M. Monterrosa is Proud Latina from San Antonio, Texas, a Marine Corps wife, Mama of a Dachshund, licensed Cosmetologist &  The Lil Spa Room Owner Founder of the Wonderfully Wise Women Group, Blog, & Online Magazine, a Writer for SAXtreme Magazine, PCA Skin Chemical Peel certified, & a Nuskin Skin Care Distributor.

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Relationship Tips for the Clueless

Being a newlywed, I am a big fan of readings based on relationships. Some of the advice & tips I agree with, some I do not.  But it is nice to read different opinions and perspectives on things. Here are some great relationship tips I came across. Hope you enjoy and share them.

Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important.

Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.

Know your partner’s beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don’t want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they’ll create it where it doesn’t exist.

Don’t confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love. Know your needs and speak up for them clearly.

A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs.

Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.

Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.

View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.

Know how to manage differences; it’s the key to success in a relationship.

Disagreements don’t sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them. If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it.

Talk and explore, don’t assume. Solve problems as they arise. Don’t let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies. Learn to negotiate.

Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people’s needs are fluid and change over time, and life’s demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.

Listen, truly listen, to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.

Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn’t happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn’t an end goal; it’s a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.

Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together.

Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you’re both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.

Never underestimate the power of good grooming.

Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.

Never go to sleep angry. Try a little tenderness. Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.

Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It’s easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have.

Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.

Cooperate, cooperate, cooperate. Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets, with much give and take. Stay open to spontaneity.

Maintain your energy. Stay healthy. Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time.

Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger. Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself.

Don’t just run away from a bad relationship; you’ll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship.

Change yourself before you change your relationship. Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you’re in of or out of. It’s a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.

About April M. Monterrosa 

 April M. Monterrosa is Proud Latina from San Antonio, Texas, a Marine Corps wife, Mama of a Dachshund, licensed Cosmetologist &  The Lil Spa Room Owner Founder of the Wonderfully Wise Women Group, Blog, & Online Magazine, a Writer for SAXtreme Magazine, PCA Skin Chemical Peel certified, & a Nuskin Skin Care Distributor.

Follow Your Head, Not Your Heart

The famous saying, “Follow your heart”, can sometimes be the worst. Women tell each other this crock of shit line all the time. Now, before you think I’m a heartless bitch, let me explain why, I’ve stopped following my heart.

The older I get and now being happily married, I’ve thought about past relationships, why they didn’t work, why I put up with things I normally wouldn’t have. The reason is, I was following my heart. Most of us women are hopeless romantics, some show it more than others, but it’s natural for us women to want romance, it’s how we’re built. I think most of my failed relationships have been from following my heart. Had I listened to my brain instead, I probably wouldn’t have wasted so much time in some of the relationships I had been in.

When we follow our hearts, we over look things, put up with stuff, and sometimes even loose ourselves. The biggest thing with following your heart is it can put you in an unhealthy relationship. Even though your head tells you otherwise, you ignore it because of what the heart yearns for. In my opinion, if your heart and head are saying the same thing and you’re in a healthy, happy relationship, congrats to you, that’s so hard to find. Most women ignore what their head says, follow their hearts, and never really get that happiness they want or deserve.

My last relationship prior to my husband was very rocky, yes, because I followed my heart. After that ended and I was dating, I stopped following my heart and paid close attention to what my head would tell me. I have to admit, it saved me from wasting time on those that didn’t have me in their best interest, ending up with a life that I didn’t want, getting hurt, and most of  all, being in an unhealthy relationship. This is something many people forget to do in the beginning stages of a relationship. It’s so easy to follow your heart and ignore signs or red flags that are screaming “no, not this one” at you. This is why women settle, waste years on someone they’re hoping will change and treat them better, and end up losing themselves entirely.

When my husband came along, my heart was screaming for me to listen to it. It took all my strength to listen to my head first and I did. Even though I was head over heels in love, I had to think about what my value to him was, how he treated me, was I his priority, was he selfish, was I his queen, his equal, did he love me like I loved him…these are the kinds of things I thought about. I was not going to waste years with someone, again, being unhappy, I knew better this time around, and I know what I deserve.

I have now been married two years. Being a military wife, not living together immediately, and deployments made things tough, I’ll admit. But following my head and not my heart has put be in a happy marriage and I am treated the way I wanna be and deserve to be.

About April M. Monterrosa 

 April M. Monterrosa is Proud Latina from San Antonio, Texas, a Marine Corps wife, Mama of a Dachshund, licensed Cosmetologist & Owner of The Lil Spa Room, Founder of the Wonderfully Wise Women Group, Blog, & Online Magazine, a Writer for SAXtreme Magazine, PCA Skin Chemical Peel certified, & a Nuskin Skin Care Distributor.

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Blind Dating Tips

In many ways blind dating is no different than any other type of dating. The basic elements of dating still exist but you do need to exercise more caution in a blind date. Like any other date you want a blind date to go well so that you can ensure yourself a second date. However, while it is important to exercise caution in all types of dating it’s even more important in blind dating. Another factor unique to blind dating is getting set up with a great date. While this may not always be in your hands there are some ways that you can take some initiative in this area. Like any date the key to a blind date is setting yourself up for a second date. Arranging a fun date and being interesting to your date are two keys to achieving a second date. In making conversation on a blind date, it is important to take an interest in what your date has to say. Doing this will let them know that you are interested in getting to know them better. Also, try speaking about subjects that you really enjoy. This will make you not only sound more natural but will also make you sound more interesting.

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Dressing to impress is also critical to a blind date. In meeting someone for the first time you will want to ensure that you make a good first impression. You don’t always know how much a blind date already knows about you but it doesn’t hurt to show up for the date looking as though you have put a great deal of effort into your appearance. You’re date will appreciate the effort and be flattered by your going out of your way to impress them. One key factor to blind dating is to exercise caution in meeting your date. Even if you are being set up by a close friend you can’t be positive that they know the person they are setting you up with very well. It’s best to set up an initial meeting in a well lit and populated location. Never agree to meet someone you don’t know at a secluded location. While your blind date may be a wonderful person with no intentions of hurting you, it’s best to exercise caution on a blind date.

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Another factor unique to the blind dating situation is getting yourself set up with a great date. You may have several friends that are interested in setting you up with a friend or relative whom they think is just perfect for you but try not to agree to go on a blind date that is set up by someone who doesn’t know you very well. If they don’t know you well, then don’t trust them to choose a date for you. However, if you have a friend who does know you very well, don’t hesitate to drop hints about what you are looking for in a date. Those who know you best are most likely to set you up with a compatible blind date. Making an honest effort to have a good time on your date is another tip that can lead to a successful blind date. If you go into a blind date with the attitude that things won’t work out, you will most likely unconsciously put a damper on the date. Your date may sense your lack of enthusiasm and in turn won’t be inspired to put an effort into having a good time either.

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Another tip for blind dating is to be sure to end the date appropriately. Many people may recommend that when going on a blind date you have a backup plan in place such as having a friend call you shortly after the date starts to give you an excuse to leave if things aren’t going well but doing this just isn’t right. Instead extend your blind date the same common courtesy that you would any other date and be willing to complete the entire date. If neither party is having a good time, it’s acceptable to end the date early and just agree that you weren’t compatible but don’t be too quick to give up on the date. Also, at the conclusion of the date be honest about your feelings towards your date. If things just didn’t work out, don’t be afraid to let them know instead of offering empty promises of future dates. However, if you truly enjoyed your date, let your partner know and take the opportunity to suggest a second date. Bringing a friend along is another tip for blind dating. This is helpful for a couple of reasons. First if your blind date had any malicious intentions towards you, having a friend along is likely to spoil his plan. Secondly a friend may be able to ease the tension and break the ice by getting the conversation started. While the addition of an extra person on a date may seem awkward, having them there can provide emotional spirit and an additional comfort level.

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Even if the date is going well, another tip for blind dating is to end the date after 2-3 hours. This is an adequate amount of time for two people to get to know each other on a date and determine whether or not they would be interested in a second date. Blind dates that last longer than this often reach a point where the couple runs out of things to talk about and the date can stagnate leaving a negative feeling at the end of the date. Keeping the date short can help you to end the date on a positive note and will leave you with more to talk about on a second date. Being yourself is important on any date but it’s critical on a blind date. A blind date deals with someone who does not know you so it’s important to give them a true sense of yourself on your date. You may get away with pretending to be something you are not on the first date but it may lead to trouble in future dates as your date realizes you were phony on the first date.

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Finally, treat your blind date with the same courtesy that you would any other date. You may not know the person you are dating but it is important to arrive on time, be polite and put an honest effort into the date. Your blind date is just as deserving of these courtesies as any other person you have dated. A blind date is no excuse to let your manners lapse and mistreat your date. For the most part blind dating does not differ from any other dating situation. However, there are a few things unique to blind dating of which you should be aware. Most importantly it is critical that you not put yourself in danger by agreeing to meet a blind date in a secluded location. Another unique aspect of the blind date is that you are often set up by a friend or family member so you have the opportunity to learn what they think would be a suitable match for you. Beyond the specifics related to blind dating, the rules of regular dating still hold true. If you are polite, genuine, fun and interested in your date you will be likely to score a second date.

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