Don’t *ucking tell me you love me when your soul is black and your mind is a gutter for filth.
Don’t *ucking talk to me like I’m a naive child believing every lie you speak.
Don’t *ucking say you wanna be with me when your eyes are like spinning tops watching every feminine presence walk by. Don’t *ucking blame me for your sadness and insecurities when you have others feeding your ego.
Don’t *ucking come back to haunt me when you barely even noticed I was living when you were.


For Eli, With Love

I am not a parent, I can not even imagine how grand love for a child is.  How you can love someone more than anything, even more than yourself, no matter what words have been exchanged or obstacles you have been through between you and them. What I do know is how to love, what it feels like to be given that love, and how incredible it is for your parent to love you even at your weakest times. I am lucky, this I  now know, as an adult. I wish I could tell you I know what you’re going through, I’m sure many of your loved ones can say the same thing. I may not know what its like to loose a child, but I do know what it’s like to suffer a loss such as yours. I did not know your son as I do you, and I’ll admit, its been a bit difficult for me to call, text, or even post anything to you on facebook. I guess I just didn’t want to sound like everyone else. I’ve been there, I know that know matter what comforting words people tell you, they either sound all the same, or you just start not to hear them…the pain turns you numb.

I have learned so much about why our loved ones do what they do to live among those that are no longer with us. There is not a wrong answer or a right answer to why these things happen. Just like we can not grasp why things like this happen, they can’t explain it either. So I’ve learned to stop questioning things and most of all blame myself. Everyone has their religious beliefs on what happens to those that take their own lives. I lost someone I deeply cared about to this exact same thing. Only those that are close to me know about it and how I feel about it now. When it happened, everyone had their own spiritual belief as to what happens to the soul of someone that does such a thing.  That God may not forgive them, they’ll be in purgatory, or even hell.

I am not the most religious person, I’ll be the first to admit that. But I will tell you my belief. I think God puts people in our lives for a purpose, sometimes we figure out what that purpose is…sometimes we don’t, so when they leave us in this way, we never understand. We learn how to love, how to forgive, and how to be a part of someone’s life. I believe God makes some of those people his special angels, they do his will and duties here with us, and then they are to report back to him and help him in heaven. And as a reward to them for leaving their loved ones with such sadness, he gives them eternal life with him, doing everything they love to do always. I really believe that.

So when you think of your boy, think of him being a part of something bigger than all of us and this earth put together. His mind, body, and soul are in pure bliss and he will be your guardian angel always. He will not only protect you here on earth, but is also making sure everything is perfect for you when its your time to meet up with him, and that will happen, even though none of us know when that day will come. One day we will all meet in our own heaven. Till then, every bird, every flower, every rainy day, every breeze, and every sunny day…he is there in all of these beautiful living things to remind you he is with you and watching over you.  Maybe that’s a way for our loved ones that are no longer with us to smile at us …so always remember to smile back.  They are with us always. ❤