Happy 42 Years of Marriage

the lil spa room1Today my parents celebrate 42 years of marriage. Being that they ran away together and eloped at ages 16 and 18, it’s amazing to know their unique story and see how far they have come. They have been my main examples on what marriage is really about, how to love someone unconditionally, you stand by your spouse no matter what, and though at times things get challenging you stick it out.

My parents are the ones that kept me from giving up on my own marriage. As the oldest, I saw them go through many good times that made them fall more in love with each other and the bad times that tested both their strengths. In my eyes their love is so strong it’s invincible.

Many think marriage is a fairytale; its butterflies in your tummy every day, flowers, laughter, and pure bliss. I hate to say this, but it’s not. Don’t get me wrong those things do exist, but you have to work together as a couple to keep them. I have watched both of my parents constantly put each other first with themselves. My father has always adored and respected my mother and my mother has always stood by my father no matter how difficult things were. Neither one was ever greedy with each other when it came to time, money, or affection.

marriage the lil spa roomThank you mom and dad for showing me that when you marry for true love, you lose yourself, you give more chances, you forgive more, you ache harder, and even though you want to run away from it all at times, that sacred bond of marriage and the love you have for your spouse gives you more gall to fight for it all. The both of you are proof that marriage IS worth it, Happy Anniversary.
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Step Mom Duty

It finally happened. My step daughter came to visit us in Texas. Not only did we have the opportunity to pick her up ourselves in Washington; it was also a fun memory to travel back with her to Texas. This was a first for all of us; her mom, her step dad, my husband, me, and all of our families. She had never been away from home or her mom for more than a couple of days. This time she’d be gone for over 3 weeks, in another state, and spending part of her summer vacation here and meeting all her Texas family.  I have to admit, as much as friends were worried for me, I wasn’t nervous at all. Being an older sister, having a take charge personality, and wanting to get to know my step daughter, I was actually pretty excited. As much as I love my husband, how could I not love his child that looks so much like him anyway? I was ready to create lots of fun family memories.

Being a step parent isn’t easy at all. I think when families are blended, lots of patience, energy, effort, and sacrifice takes a huge part in making sure the children between everyone grow in good directions. When jealously, bitterness, and old harsh feelings are still felt by anyone in a blended family, the only ones that suffer are the children. Kids see and hear things more than we give them credit for. Though it wasn’t an easy task to get to where we are now, took a couple of years, and lots of very deep conversations, I can honestly say it was well worth it.

I believe having my step daughter here for 3 weeks has helped each and every one of us grow as individuals. Her mom got to enjoy some alone time with her spouse, my family & I got to know my step daughter , and most of all my husband got to make some wonderful lasting memories with his little girl. The biggest thing this summer visit did was help all of us all parents get on the same page when it comes to discipline. Between my husband, myself, my step daughter’s mom, and her other half, we all have very different upbringings. Though that can be a tough thing when it comes to agreeing on discipline techniques, I am very blessed that everyone involved has an open mind and heart, working as a team, and finds its best to discuss behavioral issues together.

We all want what’s best for the children in our lives. Being a step parent, the role in your step child’s life is just as important as their parents because you also are setting examples for them. Every one contributes something special to the children involved in a blended family. I am very lucky that my step daughter’s mom and I get along great. We all have the same goal and that’s to raise my step daughter to be a confident, strong young woman. All of us here in Texas are looking forward to many more visits and memories. Being a step parent is a good thing; it means that your heart is so full of love for your spouse, that you have plenty to give to his children.

“A stepmother might have to rise above a little more than everyone else to make everything go smoothly and for everyone to feel comfortable. Step moms are not around to replace a biological parent, rather to augment a child’s life experience.”

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Haters; Sometimes They’re Your Own Family Members

We all have those family members that think you’re stuck up just because you’re successful, have a happy life, & want better for yourself & your loved ones. Yeah…you know you have one too, maybe even a handful of them…While you’re busting your ass to work hard for a better life, usually the ones talking the most shit are sitting on their asses angry at the world, gossiping about everyone, twisting every bit of information that comes their way, plotting their next vindictive move, or acting like something they’re not to win the trust of others to use for their own benefit. That is definitely NOT a healthy or the right way to live and successful will never be a word they would be able to use. hatersWhile these people are busy doing that, they fail to realize what they are missing around them. Holidays, birthdays, family gatherings, school functions, children growing up, and anything family should be a part of.  So many families are torn apart because of 1 or 2 people in the family that are like this & what’s even worse, is other family members sometimes like following along with the drama. familyFamily should be about enjoying life together, being happy & proud of accomplishments, & making memories for the generations to come. As much as you try to change things or include these family members in your life or giving them the benefit of the doubt, they end up hurting you…more than the time before. It’s really sad, but unfortunately these people will never change, they actually like living this way. Usually they are unhappy, bitter, can’t let go of ugliness of the past, or holding on to old grudges. If they fail to deal with their own inner demons in some way, that is no ones fault but their own. Why should you or your family have to suffer for it? I’ve learned from my parents to stay far away from family members like this.  And now that I am older and see how the lives of my immediate family have turned out by staying away, I am glad we did. There is so much love in my family, if any one of us needs something; we never hesitate to help each other out without any expectations. That’s how it should be with family always. The world is full of enough evil shit, sad to say it’s sometimes in your own family. Live happily with joy and peace & appreciate those in your family that want the same for you and yours. Don’t waste time being affected by the bitterness & ugliness that comes people like this; its not healthy and certainly not worth it. Negativity is nothing but a dead weight.

 

Seek and Destroy

Sharing these personal thoughts for a close friend:

Sometimes you look for things because you want to know the truth. But when you search for it, ask yourself what you’re going to do if you find the thing you know is happening, but can’t deal with. Is it better to leave it alone and pretend that everything is fine? Or is it better to know the truth and be hurt forever? Can you live with knowing the worst trait about something or someone you can’t live without? Once you find out the worst is true, what will you do with it? Will you ever be the same? Only time will tell if anything will ever be the same.

Deep down we all know that you will never be the same person you used to be before the hurt and pain. Trust is gone, hurt is there to stay.  You can move on but nothing will ever be the same. I’m not saying you won’t find happiness, but you have been shattered. Glass that has been shattered can never be repaired completely.  It can be glued back together, only to be seen as cracked. They may be well hidden cracks, but none the less, they are there to stay. 

I consider myself like a piece of Fine China that will never be as beautiful as I once was. This Fine China served him well, for many years. Saw him at the worst points of his life, Yet I shined for him unconditionally. I served him well even on the worst days. I am still Fine China, but not as valuable as I believed I was. The truth is I am actually irreplaceable.  I weathered the storm through and through. I did things that nobody else will ever do because we cannot go back in time. I can actually say that I was a blessing thrown upon the lap of someone. Someone that loved me, but took me for granted over and over again.

I was not always the beauty of life or the answer to a prayer, but I was good to him. I have loved him so hard that I could feel everything he did, felt, or wanted. I searched for what I believed was happening, because I felt it inside of my heart. I found it to be true, but now what? I am in my own worldly hell.  Every day is up and down, inside and out. Pain is shooting throughout my heart and soul like lightening. I am forever broken, hurt, torn, and violated.

So I caution you, Follow your instincts, but prepared for an avalanche of emotion. Get ready for the ride of your life that you will wish you had never been on. Ask yourself if the pain is going to be worth it, can you let go? The pain is not an option.  It is inevitable.  If you feel no pain, you don’t love the accused. But if you still love them, want them, or need them, pain will plant itself within you. For eternity you will remember the moment.  It may not hurt forever, but the memory will forever be etched into your mind and it will scar your heart. Be careful what you look for, you may just find it. It may change your life and your spirit forever and ever. Someone once said “seek and destroy”; it suits us well in all aspects of life, especially in love.

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To All The Single Ladies

Lately I’ve seen a lot of social media posts from my single friends that are strong women with so much to offer wonder why women that don’t aren’t single and they are…

To my single ladies and single moms that are having a hard time because they cannot find true love. The women that are trying to better themselves in life, with their families and their careers, and most of all for themselves. First of all true love finds you when you least expect it, trust me…it happened to me. Secondly, I know we all have those friends that are out partying like rockstars still even in their 30’s without a care in the world, living with friends and family, in a dead end job they hate, because they have no ambition to do better for themselves, because they’ve chosen the easy route, and their main priority is to hunt down a man to not be alone. These women meet douche bags, and will be the same in their forties and fifties, because they will settle for any man that comes their way just so they won’t be alone. So as much as you think they have it easier than you having a grand ol time as you work your ass off, they don’t and they are only fooling themselves. I know there are days that you’re stressed out, you feel alone, lonely, and unloved. But you’re not; because as you’re in school, as you’re working hard, as you’re being the best mother, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, and most of all WOMAN you can be…these “girls” without goals become their worst and have nothing to show for themselves but a bunch of broken relationships. Keep moving forward, keep being strong, keep achieving those goals, keep being you, and don’t forget to appreciate all those that are with you along the way. Your time for true love will come one day. Until then, don’t forget the love you carry inside of you for yourself. It is because of the love you have for yourself, the self respect, the ambition, and the drive that you have to keep on a chasing your dreams that makes you special and most of all courageous. Plus, it’s sure nice to drive you’re own car, have you’re own place to live, and live by YOUR rules, right? ALWAYS be proud of who you are. The more you’re not worried about finding true love, the faster it’ll find you…and it will be amazing.

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Simple…Yet Romantic

For those of you into the zodiac, I am an Aries…if you’re familiar with the characteristics of that sign, then you know getting bored easily is one of them. I have to be on the go constantly to not get bored. Luckily I married someone that is very go with the flow and up for anything. If your like me in YOUR relationship, then you are the one always planning everything. Sometimes its nice to be able to sit back and relax while someone plans something for you…even though its fun being the spontaneous one, sometimes its nice to take a break. When your in a relationship for a long time, routine may start to fade the romance away a bit. It’s up to both partners to keep that fun, passion, and all those little things that made you fall in love…ALIVE. Creating magical moments in your relationship is something everyone thinks about, but few people do. Perhaps it’s because they actually can’t think of exactly what to do. Here are some “acts of love” that you can do with and for your partner to bring a little more romance into your relationship. Plus with Valentine’s Day around the corner, why not try some of these ideas now.

  • Make your morning time special by bringing your partner a cup of coffee or some OJ while he or she is still in bed. If you’re willing and able you can also serve them breakfast in bed. It will make your partner feel cherished and the kindness will be returned.
  • Make the time at the end of the work-day when you first see one another extra special by giving each other a 10 second hug and kiss. You will both feel more deeply connected throughout the evening. Also remember to touch your partner affectionately throughout the day, not just when you want to be romantic.
  • Make time to make-time. Plan a romantic rendezvous during the week. You can get a room at a local hotel or plan to have the house all to yourselves. Just the anticipation of being together in this way will add spark to your romantic life.
  • Whenever you can, take the time to give your partner 100% of your attention when they want to talk to you. Put down the remote control, whatever you’re reading or your phone, face your partner and say “What would you like to talk about?” It will make your partner feel loved and important to you. And they may have some news they would like to share with you anyway.
  • Take the time to tell your partner that they look wonderful, beautiful, sexy or great. We all have doubts about our looks and hearing that we are attractive to our partners is a very important part of creating a romantic relationship.
  • Before you leave in the morning tell your partner that you are looking forward to seeing them when you return. Never leave the house without acknowledging your partner or saying, “I love you.”
  • Next time you are shopping alone, get a couple of little “surprise gifts” for your partner. The next time he or she is feeling down, give them one of the gifts. This is a wonderful and uplifting act of love and it will be remembered for a very long time.
  • If your partner is having a rough day offer to take them out or make dinner for them. If they are the one usually doing the cooking this will be a welcome change and a sign of your appreciation. If they are experiencing stress at work, it will be a great way for them to unwind from a tough day.
  • Be spontaneous and kidnap your partner for a drive up the coast for lunch or dinner. This is a wonderfully romantic and very simple thing to do. If you want to be a little more extravagant, you can choose to spend the night at a Bed & Breakfast and drive home the next day.
  • This one is terribly romantic, so don’t try it unless you’re ready for a passionate evening. Get your partner two or more roses. Take one of them and pull off the petals. Drop the petals on the floor leading to the bedroom and place several petals on the bed. Put the other roses in a vase on the nightstand. Your partner will never forget your thoughtfulness.

Don’t try to do everything on this list in the same weekend, one a month is plenty. These ideas are just a little help to get you started. Once you get going, more ideas will come to you on their own. Taking the time to create romance in your relationship is paramount to creating a fulfilling love life. Even if you think your ideas are silly, your partner will be thrilled that you took the time to do something loving for them. Remember, it’s the thought that counts. And it will spice up your sex life, no doubt!

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What I’ve Learned about Marriage in 2013

2013 I hit 3 years of being married. Having been very public about my separation on social media, I can honestly say it’s been very therapeutic for me and inspirational for others. I am nothing special, I’m just a woman that wants to be loved and adored like any other. Love hit me like a ton of bricks, hard and unexpected. But like anything else, it can’t always be fun and games. I can’t even remember when and how things got to where they are now between my husband and I. All I know is both sides aren’t perfect and have made mistakes.
This year, as a married woman, I’ve learned that when you love someone it can feel like you’re invincible one second and like you’re losing your mind the next. We as people make bad choices sometimes and fail to realize that we are only cheating ourselves and scaring those we truly love.
We were all taught how to love differently growing up. All we can do is love our spouses the best we can, appreciate them for all that they are, be patient, forgive as much as we can, but continue to love ourselves too.
As individuals we all have our weaknesses and strengths; but together, we have to figure out how they all mesh well enough to make things work.
I grew up with parents that have been married over 40 years, they’ve been an amazing example of what to do and not do in a marriage, no matter how angry you are your spouse still comes first, and just because vows were broken doesn’t mean you have to throw your vows out the window. In marriage, every couple makes their own rules and handles things differently.
The both of us have inner demons and struggles we need to overcome, that doesn’t mean there isn’t any love between us. With the new year approaching I know what I have to do on my end of the marriage for my husband, the both of us, and especially for myself. Only a higher power knows the future so all I can do is work with what I have in the present and leave the past behind.

To others going through martial struggles: It doesn’t matter what differences your spouse and you have, how much therapy you go through, what advice is given to you, & what your mind tells you…you can’t help who your heart loves. Do what makes you happy, take things day by day, and if you feel it in your gut not to quit, then don’t.
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